I've been busy lately (and not just with caking) For the last month or so I've been fighting a tough mental battle wherein the MS part of my ever shrinking brain makes me feel defeated and weak.
The MS doubt I battle reminds me that I am unable to do things due to lack of energy or pain and it fools me into feeling like I'm disapointing people and being lazy. When I start listening to Captain MS I forget reality and instead of praising myself for listening to my limits and avoiding a potential exaserbation, I wollow. Even though I know I continue to get stronger by using my muscles and keeping my brain engaged in physical movement, I've been focusing on the things this disease keeps me from doing.
Yes, the logical part of me knows I am strong, the logical part actually listens to my amazing instructors at LIFETIME FITNESS who cheer on, and motivate each pedel stroke or bicep curl. When they speak to the class I'm a part of, as a team of athletes, I am overcome with a sense of joy and sweaty accomplishment. I am amazed that I can hold my own with those around me and claim that title! Sometimes, when I let myself truly watch the inspiring cycle videos of people who laugh at obsticals, I can see myself in them. When I notice the gigantic number of calories my heart rate monitor reports me losing, I am all filled up with darn near amazement! It proves to me that this broken little body can still move if I ask it to. That is if I carefully choose my exercises and prepare ways to combat my weaknesses, like with ice in a water bottle to maintain maximum coolness and wearing properly ventilated clothing. Then I'm ok and can take part in more things. But admitting that a hot day will increase the weakness in my legs and add to my unbalance thus making me say no to things like a field trip outside in May or an imromptu walk to school. That's the reality Captain MS wants to focus on....thus my battle.
These low feelings all started when I chose not to do the annual MS Walk, the big spring fundraiser from our local chapter. I usually walk and my generous friends and family usually donate lots of money towards finding a cure. Usually, I get excited for the walking challenge by setting distance goals for myself and all the money given by those who love me moves me to tears and inspires me. Since the walk always falls around the time of my MSaversary it's a very emotional time of reflection. This year I just didn't want any part of that. I pouted and wussed out not wanting to put forth the effort and visit all the emotions on an early (possibly cold) Saturday morning. I chose to just donate and thank those who did walk for the cause. The logical part of me knows that's ok. That sometimes, some things are too much for whatever reason and that others will step up if I'm not able. Except I know showing apathy towards change opened the door for MS doubt to sneak in and take over. I began focusing on the increasing obsticals spring and summer pose. I then looked at all I can't do instead of focusing on the strength this fundraiser shows me. Because I let the door open wide enough for doubtful seeds to be planted I got wrapped up in all that instead of what other walkers were able to do. Like a dear friend, who raised many dollars using her self proclaimed big mouth to tell her story. But recently I hopened my eyes to her efforts and was reminded of my desire to share with others the strength God has blessed me with.
I am able to use these words on this platform, I hope to inspire others thru my experiences and tips. As trite as it may sound when I stop and think about all I have dispite MS I realize my blessings thru MS. By sharing my story and struggles I hope to encourage everyone to move in some way. I'm here to remind myself and others that it's better, way of living. Even when it's hard, yes you can, yes I can! *no political affiliation intended*